My lovely Anya,
It was a week ago today that you showed your beautiful face to the world. I can still picture the first few moments of your life. It’s probably the only moments we had, as a family, where things were as they should be. I was in awe of your mom – still am – for the incredible effort she went through to bring you to us.
The last week has been one of the most difficult ones of my life. I cycle through different moments:
- Moments of sadness, brought on by any number of reminders that you will never get to live in your home;
- Moments of guilt, where I wonder what we could have done differently;
- Moments of gratefulness, to have had you in my life at all;
- Moments of fear, because the future doesn’t look as straight-forward as it once did;
- Moments of forgetfulness, where I manage to distract myself long enough not to think about you;
- More moments of guilt, stemming from those moments of forgetfulness;
- Moments of numbness, when I don’t seem to feel much at all. These moments are particularly difficult when I see others having moments of sadness, and I get guilty again, thinking ‘why aren’t I sad? I should be sad too’.
If there is any kind of silver lining through all of this, it is the love of your parents. Anya, if I could only explain to you in words the love that I have for your mom. She has been strong through my worst moments, and I try my best to be just as strong for hers. I have plenty of fears about the future, but not about her, and not about our relationship. We will be stronger than ever, I have no doubt about it.