Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Dearest Anya, We're OK : Five Months Later

Dearest Anya,

Yesterday was the five month anniversary of your death.

As a special something to commemorate your life, dad and I wanted to write you a letter. We wanted to let you know that we're OK.

  • We still enjoy the sunshine.
  • Our hearts are filled with more love than ever.
  • We're both back at work, trying to serve others and make a difference.
  • We carry you in the most precious part of ourselves, as we make our way into the world.
  • We continue to build our home, a place that belongs to our family, a place that belongs to you, a place that is witness to our journey : the tears and the joy.
  • We are even talking about baby #2, a younger brother or sister to you.

These are all the things we wanted to share with you yesterday... and I tried to dig deep down inside and find the words, but I couldn't. Yesterday I just didn't feel OK.

You left a big hole in our hearts, and it isn't always easy to fill it with love... but everyday we try.

There were so many things we wanted to give you, to share with you, to teach you... yet you're the one who taught us the biggest lessons in our lives.
  • You can't take life for granted.
  • You have to enjoy the time you have with those you love... even when your heart is breaking

We try to honour these lessons everyday. Slowly we're finding our way back to normal... a new normal.

So don't worry about us Anya. We are thinking of you. We love you. And we're OK.

Sending you all the love inside of us,

Mom and Dad

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Crafting for Anya: Four Months Later

Tomorrow will mark five months since Anya was born and died. Alex and I are planning a little something special.

For now, I wanted to take the time to show you all the beautiful art that was created almost a month ago now, on April 19, by the family and the friends who joined us in celebration of Anya and the love she brought us.

You can view the album here.

From Crafting for Anya: Four Months Later


This art is a testament to all the love in our lives. To me, it is more beautiful than any of the million dollar art pieces sold at auction.

I am truly grateful to have so much love in my life. Anya's legacy is love - simple, powerful, love. I carry it with me everywhere, and I integrate it into the new me.

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Day After Mother's Day

Mother's Day was hard, but it was also filled with love and celebration. On Mother's Day, I felt like a mother, as my mother heart and its suffering were recognized.

And the day after Mother's Day? It's hard too. It's hard because I woke up to sunshine and birds chirping and a fresh breeze blowing into our room. I woke up to summer, and Anya still wasn't there. I still don't get to be a mother to her - at least not in the way I want to be.  And on the day after Mother's Day, who will celebrate my broken mother heart?

I'm jealous of all the mothers out there whose children love them, hug them, kiss them everyday. I'm jealous because they still feel like mothers on the day after Mother's Day.

I try to be strong. I try to see the good in life. But on the day after Mother's Day, all I feel is grief because my daughter will never know the smell of summer.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day

I have a secret to share with you. This isn't really my first mother's day.

My first mother's day was one year ago. I remember it well. We surprised Alex's mom with a happy grandmother's day card and shared our joyful news.

I am grateful for that mother's day with Anya. I am grateful for the time my daughter and I got to spend together.

This mother's day is harder. It loomed ominously over me all week.

On Tuesday I bought myself a mother's day card to try and ease my pain.

On Wednesday I tried to reframe my heart-wrenching reaction to every pregnant woman I cross, not despairing at my loss, but taking the opportunity to remind myself of the perfect 9 months I had with my daughter.

Still, by Friday I was in tears, unsure if I would even want to get out of bed on Sunday.

This morning I did get out of bed.

With the pull of all the love around me, and after being served breakfast in bed.



Alex had another surprise, an invitation to celebrate our daughter and my motherhood.

Today, on my second mother's day, we planted a tree in our garden, with the hope that over the years we might watch it grow as we had dreamed Anya would.

And a few years from now, if new life and small hands comfort us on mothers day, we will look at Anya's tree and think of all she gave us.

Motherhood taught me to love, deeper than I ever had before, and that is my mother's day gift from Anya.