Mother's Day

I have a secret to share with you. This isn't really my first mother's day.

My first mother's day was one year ago. I remember it well. We surprised Alex's mom with a happy grandmother's day card and shared our joyful news.

I am grateful for that mother's day with Anya. I am grateful for the time my daughter and I got to spend together.

This mother's day is harder. It loomed ominously over me all week.

On Tuesday I bought myself a mother's day card to try and ease my pain.

On Wednesday I tried to reframe my heart-wrenching reaction to every pregnant woman I cross, not despairing at my loss, but taking the opportunity to remind myself of the perfect 9 months I had with my daughter.

Still, by Friday I was in tears, unsure if I would even want to get out of bed on Sunday.

This morning I did get out of bed.

With the pull of all the love around me, and after being served breakfast in bed.

Alex had another surprise, an invitation to celebrate our daughter and my motherhood.

Today, on my second mother's day, we planted a tree in our garden, with the hope that over the years we might watch it grow as we had dreamed Anya would.

And a few years from now, if new life and small hands comfort us on mothers day, we will look at Anya's tree and think of all she gave us.

Motherhood taught me to love, deeper than I ever had before, and that is my mother's day gift from Anya.