Monday, June 2, 2014

The Battle Within

I've just had a beautiful week - mostly.

Victoria, high tea, beer on a patio, a library conference, Vancouver Island, and I won an award to boot! It was one of those weeks that makes life seem perfect and amazing.

Therein lies the battle.

Picture this.

11:00 am : "Alex, I'm so excited! I have so many great ideas to make our library even better!"
11:01 am : Tears

2:00 pm : The Pacific Ocean, the mountains, the sun. Perfection.
2:01 pm : Tears

The happier I feel, the more my heart aches at Anya's absence.

This battle between joy and sadness, between laughter and betrayal, has become my new normal.

How can life be beautiful, without Anya? How can I feel so passionate about libraries, when I struggle to find purpose in life?

How can life feel good, when inside I'm screaming, desperately searching for answers? Where do I go from here?


  1. Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
    And how else can it be?
    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
    Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
    Kahil Gibran