Last week I posted about moving forward... about forgetting the hurt, about trying to hold onto the past though I know I have to let go.
A friend thoughtfully shared, "You are not the same person you were before Anya was born. She changed you in such a fundamental way that she cannot, will not be forgotten. So Anya lives on in your daily existence. She made you who you are today."
Anya has changed me. Anya has changed Alex. Our children will be different because Anya has changed the way we will parent. Anya has changed the people around us. She made a difference in the world.
When I think of this, I know I can face the passing of time. I know it is OK if I don't think of Anya all the time because she is a part of me.
But letting go of the constant need to think of Anya isn't the only struggle that comes with the passage of time... Because it isn't just about Anya being forgotten...
The more time goes by, the more I feel alone. The world is moving forward, and I am still struggling.
I have been back at work for 2 months now. Most days it is a challenge to balance work and healing. Work takes time and energy. Healing takes time and energy. At work, I try to set aside tears and anger, for passion and efficiency - and it feels good. At home, I take time to relax and to focus on Alex.
Time for healing gets set aside. Feelings get bottled up. I know this isn't good for me. It just hurts so much to let the feelings of grief wash over me...
The people around me see the passion and love. They see the sparkle in my eyes - and it is an honest sparkle. But beneath the sparkle there is still hurt and yearning and anger, and I need others to acknowledge these feelings.
I still need time to heal. I just don't know how anymore. I've forgotten how to take care of my heart...
Someone tell me, where do I go from here?