Is This What Moving Forward Feels Like?

It's been a while since I have stopped to write a blog post...

At first I was busy with a newborn... I thought about the resemblance between William and Anya. I considered writing about everything we had the privilege to live with William that we missed out on with Anya... cuddles, breastfeeding, first smiles. But I didn't write about those things. The weeks went by and those thoughts drifted away.

Three months passed... Still I wasn't motivated to sit down and write. It occurred to me that I wasn't too busy, I just didn't feel like blogging. I was too enamoured with William, too happy in the present, to think of what might have been. I had this vague idea that I should feel guilty about that, but the truth is I didn't. William was here and Anya wasn't. It sounded too harsh to say out loud.

I have never felt so happy, so present to this moment. Knowing that life is fleeting, I appreciate it more. It's true, Anya isn't here. Sometimes, I find it hard to imagine what life would be like if she was... Because we wouldn't have William. And just maybe, I wouldn't appreciate all the wonderful things in life quite as much.

I could choose to feel guilty about these feelings... to berate myself for forgetting Anya, for moving on. Instead, I am choosing to view them as a gift. Anya isn't here, but her short life has changed me profoundly. The deep happiness I feel, the ability to live in the present moment are gifts from Anya. My daughter lives on, not only in my memory, but in me.

Now, when I look at a photo of Anya, when I walk into her room (now my office), the memories are sweet and loving.