Alex and I have strived to be open and honest always on this blog. But there is something we have hesitated to share... the answer to what happened.
Officially, we are still waiting for the autopsy results and the coroner's report. However, during my pregnancy with William, our wonderful doctor went to lengths to communicate with the coroner and obtain what health-related information she could.
How did Anya die? Placental insufficiency. The placenta was too small.
With this information in hand, I was tested for high concentrations of anti-cardiolipin antibodies and the results were positive. Anticardiolipin antibodies can bind to blood platelets and create clots. We went forth with the assumption that small blood clots prevented the placenta from growing large enough to sustain Anya through birth.
This information hit me hard. I slept poorly for weeks. It struck my sense of identity. I had always thought of myself as healthy, and suddenly I didn't feel that way. My body had betrayed me. My body had betrayed Anya.
But my body didn't have to betray William. I was started on a treatment of anticoagulants.
A few months later, William arrived. Thanks to the treatment I received, he is here, sitting next to me and chatting in his own baby way as I type.
As I listen to William's babbling, I can't help but wonder if Anya's death saved William's life. And I wonder if Anya's death will allow me to live longer, as I continue to take anticoagulants. Another gift from Anya.
And now, we continue to wait for the coroner's report, unsure if it will bring any new information, if it will dredge up painful memories or if it will bring a new kind of closure.