Friday, May 26, 2017

Music and Memories

Music has a way of helping me relive certain moments in life. There's something therapeutic about it. Over the years, I've created particular associations between Anya's short existence and a handful of songs. They have helped me to relive certain moments, reflect on them, and progressively come to terms with them.

I feel like they deserve to be part of this overall record. They are worth remembering. So here they are, along with what they represent.

1- Across The Universe (Fiona Apple cover) . This song played during the early stages of labour, while Kayleigh was trying to stay calm. It reminds me of the calmness and the faith in life that we once believed in so strongly.

2- Babys (Bon Iver). This song reminds me of the anxiety-ridden drive between the birth centre and the hospital. Anya had been born, and she had been taken way by ambulance. Something was wrong - but I was trying to stay hopeful, until hope was taken away in a crushing instant.

3- To Build a Home (The Cinematic Orchestra). Saying goodbye to her. Returning home from the hospital without a baby. Seeing the note we had pasted on the door to let Kayleigh's mom know that we had made our way to the birthing centre. Ripping it off in anger. Being greeted by the mess we made as we were excitedly leaving the house. Remembering the thought that "when I come back to clean this, i'll be a dad". Feeling the worst feeling of defeat I've ever felt.

4- About Today (The National). Lying in bed on the evening of December 19th. Feeling exhausted, incredulous, powerless. Dreading sharing the news. Wishing for a time machine to go back just 24 hours and fix things.

5- The Wolves, Act I and II (Bon Iver). New Year's Eve. The day after her funeral. The lyrics "With the wild wolves around you; In the morning I'll call you" remind me of a certain feeling of loneliness and anxiety I felt at that point - as much as I was surrounded by loved ones, I was alone in coming to terms with what was happening in my mind. That feeling of failing as a parent at the single minimum requirement for parents - keeping your kid alive.

6- World Spins Madly On (The Weepies). Trying to find some sort of return to normally. Being upset at how life just seems to keep going for everyone else.

7- One Sunday Morning (Wilco). This song reminds me of those first few weeks, getting up on what would usually be a workday, and instead of going to work, just... having to find something to do. Painting a wall. Fixing something. Contemplating what the hell we do from here.

8 - Father Daughter Dance (Craig Cardiff). Reflecting on what could have been.

9 - Nobody Dies Anymore (Jeff Tweedy). Trying to find faith in life again, and in the idea that things can turn out alright.

10 - Sky Blue Sky (Wilco). Starting to believe that the worst may be behind, and that sunnier days are ahead.

11 - Hanging from the Earth (The Pines). Coming to terms with acceptance, and with the guilt of feeling happy.

Here's a Google Play Music playlist.

Thanks for listening.

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