Friday, February 3, 2017


Once again, we are nearing the finish line. We have hit the 34 week mark. If history repeats itself, we are under four weeks away from officially adding a new member to our family. Our second daughter. Juliette.

As was the case with William, the best word that describes the upcoming birth is 'daunting'.

On the one hand, I now know what a positive outcome looks like. But that's not quite enough to shake off that feeling that something could go wrong.

It's the same fear I had prior to William's birth, of course. So we sought to find ways to counter or alleviate them. Find a good doula. Insist on having constant fetal monitoring that we can hear at all times. Having a doula was one of the best decisions we could have made. Having constant fetal monitoring? Not so much.

Babies, as it turns out, like to move. That means a wireless monitor naturally loses the heartbeat quite often. And when you're relying on that heartbeat for comfort, it becomes a bit distressing when it goes silent. Again and again.

So I'm coming into this having learned a thing or two about how to handle a birth after a loss, and how to reduce sources of anxiety. Yet I can't shake the fear of another sudden anxiety attack the moment I perceive something to be going wrong. And that's not something I can rationalize my way out of. I simple must believe that things are going well. I have to have faith - in Juliette, Kayleigh, our nurses and doctors, and in life.

It is the least my family deserves, for all that they will be going through, while I watch from the sidelines.

Thank you all for your continued support. I look forward to writing about our third birth story.

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