Thursday, April 9, 2015

The Scary Thing About Happiness

I think I can honestly say I have never been so happy.

The baby blues have mostly passed. We are starting to gain confidence. Our bodies are adjusting to the lack of sleep. Breastfeeding is getting easier. Alex and I have found ways to make time for ourselves and each other. We have nothing to do except be together as a family and enjoy the tiny little person in our home - and he is so cute! 

That much happiness is also a scary thing... because it can't last forever. That's the human condition. We all know it, but we don't really know it until we lose someone who is close to us. Losing Anya forced me to pay attention to the impermanence of life and to the fleetingness of moments of perfect happiness like this one.

William is already growing so fast! He is getting that chubby baby look... a look that reminds me of my brothers as babies... my brothers who will turn 16 this month... time goes by so incredibly fast! We barely notice how quickly we are aging... then we die and it's all over... and that's if we're lucky enough to live a long life.

But the fear that gets to me most these days comes from knowing that at any moment someone close to me might die... something might happen to William or to Alex. Eventually something will happen to William and to Alex. Eventually something will happen to me.

Of course, if youth and health lasted forever, we wouldn't be as grateful for them... we wouldn't appreciate life as much. So how do we learn to accept that life always comes to an end...?

Happiness ebbs and flows as the years go by. No, this incredible happiness won't last forever, but it is here now, and eventually a new kind of happiness will replace it. I think maybe that's enough for me to accept the fear that always accompanies love and immerse myself in the joy of today.

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