Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Fear and Surrender

Just a little over a month to go before we expect William to join us.

Some moments I feel a rush of excitement and love. I love William so much - as much as if he were already born and in my arms. Anya taught me the love of a mother, and in this moment I get to feel this love again!

Other moments, I am overcome with fear. Millions of mothers around the world go through the pains and anxieties of labour, knowing they will make it through whatever may come with a vigorous, crying baby.

Yet this has not been my experience.

It takes surprising concentration and mental acrobatics to equate the movements in my belly - so insistent they can be seen from across a table - to a warm baby, cooing in my arms. Even more challenging is associating the pains of labour with a little baby bundled in his car seat ready to come home for the first time.

There are no guarantees.

Yet William deserves a mother who believes in him.

And so, I give myself time and space to feel, to meditate and to imagine a future filled with love, tenderness and tiny toes to tickle. I try to let go and to believe that William will arrive safely.

William's fate is not in my control. I must surrender my fears and trust that William and I will make it through this together.

I can face this challenge.

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