Wednesday night, with tears in our eyes, we said goodbye to 2014.
2014 was the year of Anya.
January 1st, 2014, was our thirteenth day without Anya in our lives. A day we never expected would happen.
It was a year filled with firsts and anniversaries, soul wrenching pain and reminders of what we had come so close to having - a daughter - but had lost at the very last second.
2014 was a year of healing.
January 1st, 2014, we got out of bed - two days after burying Anya - we went about our day and we survived. What else could we do?
It was a year filled with tears and love. New shoulders to cry on appeared in unexpected places. Our love for one another grew stronger than ever, and we found a strength we never knew we had.
But most days still felt more like survival than living.
I want more for 2015.
I want to make life good again.
I want to love unreservedly. I want to stop being afraid that those I love will die too soon. Everyone dies. And it is always to soon. But I will dare to love them anyway.
I will love William fiercely - even though he can't fill the hole left by Anya - even though he too might die before me. William is here now, kicking me vigourously as I write. Today we are together. It may be all we have, but it is something.
I want to face my own mortality. I want to look at it, acknowledge it, thank it even. Without death, we would not be able to appreciate and enjoy life. And I want to live each day wholeheartedly, with gratitude, love and passion.
Death is waiting on the horizon of each one of our lives - and it might come sooner than expected - but it doesn't scare me. I will dare to enjoy life anyway.