|The leaves are turning on Anya's tree. |
Soon, it too will be bare.
The tree reminds me of life's wonder and beauty... and of the passing of time. In a few weeks, the tree will be bare.
10 months is a long time. Anya and I have now been apart longer than we were together. I am just starting to realize I will never see my daughter again.
I struggle with expectations of where I should be in my journey of grief...
In the weeks after Anya died, I scheduled yoga classes, coffee with friends and visits to my mom's place in the country. I set aside time to grieve and heal.
10 months later, the focus of my life has shifted. I am back at work, a job I love. Another baby is on the way, and I rejoice at flutters and kicks. I am invested in life.
This has been healing, but it has also slowed my journey through grief...
After a busy day at work or when I'm overwhelmed with worry for baby #2, I am completely enraptured in the present. I think this is a good thing. Yet in such a flurry of motion, thoughts of Anya get buried deep within.
Then I stop. Thoughts of Anya bubble up... and my instinct of self-preservation pushes them back down. I think I have spent the better part of the past four months, pushing away the hurt of losing Anya.
Pain and sadness are so much harder to bear after a taste of happiness.
|Last weekend we planted bulbs at Anya's grave. |
In spring, life will bloom here.
When the wave of grief hit me again, it completely drained my energy. For two weeks, going to work was all I could manage. I wouldn't have eaten anything but cereal and takeout if not for Alex and a close friend of mine.
I couldn't take care of myself, and my feeling of self-worth took a hard hit. 10 months later, I had expected more of myself.
Today, I try to give myself time and space to feel... to heal. It's a struggle. It hurts so much to let the loss and the pain in. But as someone once told me, the only way out is through.