Saturday, August 30, 2014

Trying Again

Six months. That's the minimum amount of time that Kayleigh and I decided to give ourselves before seeing if we might be ready to try to be parents again. Waiting was difficult, at times, since the urge to want to be a parent grew exponentially after losing Anya.  Still, the last thing we wanted was to try to bring in a child who might feel like he or she had to live in Anya's shadow, brought into the world quickly to fill the void.

Mourning is one process, and welcoming another child is a different one. We needed to feel completely ready.

If you're doing the math, the six month mark was June. And we decided that yes, actually, we do feel ready to try again. We know Anya's gone, and even though we aren't done mourning (we still talk about her every day), we are ready to open up to the possibility of another life.

Another life. Another person. But the hurdles we need to clear before holding a healthy baby never seemed so daunting. Getting pregnant? What if we got lucky last time? What if it just doesn't happen?

And if it does, what about those daunting miscarriage statistics?

And if we pass the first few weeks, what's to say the baby will form properly?

And even if it does... What about stillbirth?

And even if Kayleigh makes it all the way to labour, with a perfectly normal baby... So did Anya. What about the birth?

As you can probably guess, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all that can go wrong. But there's a thought that dawned on me the other day - There's a very real possibility that things could go right. It's something I need to tell myself, and something I need to keep reminding myself of. Especially now.

Tomorrow, Kayleigh will hit the ten week mark. Our second child is due March 29th. I'm scared of what might happen between now and then, but I remind myself - it really might be okay.

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