Grief will make you sad. Grief will make you angry. Grief might even make you depressed or anxious. Grief will shake your confidence. It has shaken my confidence.
Grief has shaken my confidence in God... more like shattered it. I simply can't believe that there is any reason, lesson or reward in the after-life that is worth this suffering.
Grief has shaken my confidence in the future. Somehow I had managed to become relatively confident that Alex and I would outlive our parents, that our children would outlive us... that death was something I could worry about when I was older.
To quote Joan Didion, "Life changes in the instant." It is out of our control.
We know this of course. We hear it on the news every day.
We. Don't. Think. It. Will. Happen. To. Us.
Eventually, it will.
Grief has shaken my confidence in myself... and this is the hardest of all. Grief has made me a different person. I was once confident and independent. Now I am vulnerable and needy. I worry about whether or not you can love this new me.
Really, the question is, Can I still love myself?
I feel like a teenager all over again.
But I haven't lost hope. I remind myself to have compassion... for myself. I remind myself to trust in the love that surrounds me.