Parenting a Newborn After Loss

Life with a newborn is intense. There is the lack of sleep, the breastfeeding struggles, the post-pregnancy hormones... Not to mention the overwhelming realization that life will never be the same. A new person has joined the family. A person who determines our schedule for us, needs our love and attention (almost constantly) and decides how much time we get to spend as a couple. For me, that last thing has been the hardest. Grieving the loss of Anya brought Alex and I closer together than ever. We became each other's solace and gave each other a reason to keep going. I have had to grieve the loss of most of that one-on-one time together. 

With all these changes and adjustments, I haven't been immune to bouts of uncontrollable crying and the baby blues. I admit, I have asked myself, What were we thinking? What did we get ourselves into? The first couple of weeks have been really tough... and that's a normal part of the post-partum period for many moms. The tricky part is allowing myself to feel that way. After losing Anya and knowing for certain how much I wanted a baby, it is difficult not to feel guilty about those feelings. But I remind myself that these feelings are normal and human. And I let the feelings come anyway. 

Between the fatigue and the tears, the moments of love and joy shine through. And slowly, the good moments are outnumbering the hard ones. I am gaining confidence and starting to find my footing. I can see the future of our little family start to come to life before my eyes.