A New Year, A New Challenge

Wednesday night, with tears in our eyes, we said goodbye to 2014.

2014 was the year of Anya.

January 1st, 2014, was our thirteenth day without Anya in our lives. A day we never expected would happen.

It was a year filled with firsts and anniversaries, soul wrenching pain and reminders of what we had come so close to having - a daughter - but had lost at the very last second.

2014 was a year of healing.

January 1st, 2014, we got out of bed - two days after burying Anya - we went about our day and we survived. What else could we do?

It was a year filled with tears and love. New shoulders to cry on appeared in unexpected places. Our love for one another grew stronger than ever, and we found a strength we never knew we had.

But most days still felt more like survival than living.

I want more for 2015.

I want to make life good again.

I want to love unreservedly. I want to stop being afraid that those I love will die too soon. Everyone dies. And it is always to soon. But I will dare to love them anyway.

I will love William fiercely - even though he can't fill the hole left by Anya - even though he too might die before me. William is here now, kicking me vigourously as I write. Today we are together. It may be all we have, but it is something.

I want to face my own mortality. I want to look at it, acknowledge it, thank it even. Without death, we would not be able to appreciate and enjoy life. And I want to live each day wholeheartedly, with gratitude, love and passion.

Death is waiting on the horizon of each one of our lives - and it might come sooner than expected - but it doesn't scare me. I will dare to enjoy life anyway.