What I Have to Believe

We still don't know what happened to Anya. We are hoping the autopsy results will give us answers, but we may never know. At the moment, I'm okay with that.

When speaking of Anya, people often ask me:

• Would you still want to be followed by a midwife in the future?
• Do you think it would have made a difference if Anya had been born in a hospital?
• Would you return to the birth centre next time you're in labour?

And what I ask myself:

• Was I too blazé when I was pregnant? Was I careful enough?
• Was it something I ate?
• Did my pelvis somehow crush Anya's head and cause her brain to hemorrhage?
• If I had pushed harder, longer, faster, would Anya still be alive?

Here is what I have to believe to stay sane and not drive myself crazy with guilt and what ifs:

Yes, I would still be followed by a midwife in the future - or at least some combination of a midwife and a doctor, depending on the autopsy or any future test results. I trust our midwives completely. If test results indicated medical expertise was necessary, I know they would recommend (and I would want) to be followed by a doctor. Our midwives took the time to get to know Anya, and now they are caring for our hearts. I don't think I could get through my next pregnancy and birth without their support.

No, I don't think it would have made a difference if I had been in a hospital instead of the birth centre. I ask myself this question a lot. Sure, if I had been in a hospital, they may have used forceps or done an emergency C-section, and Anya might have been born 15 minutes earlier. But I believe Anya would still have died. We met a couple recently, in a very similar situation to us. Their son was born in a hospital, after an emergency C-section, but that didn't save him from dying. Medical advances have made a huge difference in childbirth. But we can't control life and death, and sometimes seemingly healthy babies still die.

Next time I give birth, it will be in a hospital. As much as I have to believe it wouldn't have made a difference if Anya had been born in a hospital, I do have a tiny, minuscule sliver of doubt. And that is enough to sway my decision.

As for the questions I ask myself, I realize they are mostly irrational. Still, I will be less blazé - less naive really - throughout my next pregnancy, I will be more attentive to what I eat, and I will try to remain sane knowing I may never have answers to the question Was it something I did?