Once again, we are nearing the finish line. We have hit the 34 week mark. If history repeats itself, we are under four weeks away from officially adding a new member to our family. Our second daughter. Juliette.
As was the case with William, the best word that describes the upcoming birth is 'daunting'.
On the one hand, I now know what a positive outcome looks like. But that's not quite enough to shake off that feeling that something could go wrong.
It's the same fear I had prior to William's birth, of course. So we sought to find ways to counter or alleviate them. Find a good doula. Insist on having constant fetal monitoring that we can hear at all times. Having a doula was one of the best decisions we could have made. Having constant fetal monitoring? Not so much.
Babies, as it turns out, like to move. That means a wireless monitor naturally loses the heartbeat quite often. And when you're relying on that heartbeat for comfort, it becomes a bit distressing when it goes silent. Again and again.
So I'm coming into this having learned a thing or two about how to handle a birth after a loss, and how to reduce sources of anxiety. Yet I can't shake the fear of another sudden anxiety attack the moment I perceive something to be going wrong. And that's not something I can rationalize my way out of. I simple must believe that things are going well. I have to have faith - in Juliette, Kayleigh, our nurses and doctors, and in life.
It is the least my family deserves, for all that they will be going through, while I watch from the sidelines.
Thank you all for your continued support. I look forward to writing about our third birth story.
